TIMES TO FORGET

Supernannan

Dave Barry looks back at the bad ol’days Tuesday, January 03, 2006 It was the Year of the Woman (but not in a good way). Oh, I’m not saying that men did nothing stupid or despicable in 2005. Of course they did. That’s why we call them ‘‘men." But women are supposed to be better. Women are the backbone of civilization: They keep families together, uphold basic standards of morality — and go to the bathroom without making noise. Women traditionally shun pointless, brutal, destructive activities that so often involve men — such as mass murder and fantasy football. But not during 2005. Women got crazy. Consider some of the more disturbing stories, and look at the names: Martha Stewart. Judith Miller. Jennifer ‘‘Runaway Bride" Wilbanks. Paris Hilton. Greta ‘‘All Natalee Holloway, All the Time" Van Susteren. Harriet Miers. Katrina. Rita. Wilma. Michael Jackson. Of course, not all of the alarming stories from 2005 involved women. Some involved men, and at least one was named ‘‘Scooter." I’ll be honest: I don’t really know who ‘‘Scooter" is or what he allegedly did. He’s stuck in one of those Washington-style scandals that are very important but way too complicated for non-Beltway humans to comprehend. Whatever Scooter allegedly did, it was bad. We know this because pretty much all the news in 2005 was bad. Oh, sure, there were some positive developments. Here’s a complete list: • In some areas, the price of gasoline remained mostly below $5 a gallon. • Nobody you know caught avian flu. Yet. • The Yankees once again failed to win the World Series. • Cher actually ended her farewell tour. That was it for the good news. The rest of the year was a steady diet of misery, horror and despair, leavened occasionally by deep anxiety. Just for fun, let’s take a look back. A man named ‘‘John Roberts" joins the Supreme Court. Author J.K. Rowling conjures up yet another Harry Potter book. Harriet Miers says goodbye to her bid for a Supreme Court seat. Tom Cruise expresses himself. Michael Jackson sends an alien signal. Paris Hilton carries on as the world crumbles. Alberto Gonzales withstands pain on his way to the office of attorney general. Tour de France legend Lance Armstrong is again suspected of being on something. Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles try to make a pretty couple. JANUARY President George W. Bush is sworn in for a second term, pledging in his inauguration speech that, during the next four years, he will continue trying to pronounce big words. Bush’s nominee to be U.S. attorney general, Alberto Gonzales, undergoes a grueling Senate hearing in which Democrats probe him repeatedly about his views on torture. The Democrats threaten that, if Gonzales does not give them the information they want, they will force him to listen, without ear protection, to a question from Sen. Joe Biden. ‘‘No!" screams Gonzales. ‘‘Anything but that!" In sports, the winner of the Orange Bowl — and thus the national college football championship — is Lance Armstrong, who is once again suspected of being on something. Meanwhile, in Iraq, the first free elections in half a century are conducted under generally scary conditions, with more than 8 million Iraqis turning out to elect a National Assembly, whose idealistic goal in the coming months will be not to get blown up. The month dawns on a hopeful note in the Middle East, where Israelis and Palestinians, after decades of bitter violence and short-lived truces, are finally able to . . . Never mind. In other hopeful news, President Bush, seeking to patch up the troubled relationship between the United States and its European allies, embarks on a fournation tour. When critics note that two of the nations are not actually in Europe, the White House responds that the president was ‘‘acting on the best intelligence available at the time." On the social front, Prince Charles gets formally engaged to Camilla Parker Bowles. The British public responds with sincere and heartfelt wishes that the happy couple will not reproduce. FEBRUARY Meanwhile, as the nationwide identity-theft epidemic worsens, FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III pledges that he will make it the top priority of the bureau to find, and prosecute, the individuals charging stuff to his American Express card. MARCH A federal jury convicts former WorldCom executive Bernie Ebbers in connection with an $11 billion fraud that led to the bankruptcy of the telecom giant. Upon his arrival at prison, nearly $7 billion is recovered during what shaken guards later describe as ‘‘the cavity search from hell." The economy gets a boost when the jobless rate plummets, as hundreds of thousands of unemployed cable-TV legal experts are hired to comment on the trial of Michael Jackson. Jackson is charged with 10 counts of being a space-alien freakadelic weirdo. Everybody agrees this will be very difficult to prove in California. Meanwhile, in Washington, the U.S. House of Representatives takes time out from jacking up the deficit to look into the baffling mystery of whether professional baseball players suddenly develop gigantic muscles because they use steroids. Former St. Louis Cardinals star Mark McGwire, who holds the major-league record for most home runs in a single season, arouses suspicions when he repeatedly denies, under oath, that he ever played professional baseball. In entertainment news, controversial anchorman Dan Rather retires from CBS News with a poignant farewell speech, cut short when Dan is felled by a tranquilizer dart fired by his producer. APRIL President Bush, in a decisive response to sharply rising gasoline prices, delivers a major speech proposing that Americans switch to nuclear-powered cars. In a strongly worded rebuttal, angry congressional Democrats state that, because of a scheduling mix-up, they missed the president’s speech but, whatever he said, they totally disagree with it. In sports, Tiger Woods claims his fourth Masters title with a dramatic playoff win over a surprisingly dogged Lance Armstrong. As April draws to a close, the nation focuses its eyeballs on bride-to-be Jennifer Wilbanks, whose claim that she was abducted just before her wedding is undermined by a widely circulated photo of her in which her pupils appear to be the size of dinner plates. When it becomes clear that nothing actually happened, the media drop the story and move on to more important matters. MAY The Runaway Bride story dominates the news, becoming so huge that some cable-TV news shows are forced to divert precious resources from the Michael Jackson trial. But in the end sanity prevails, and Wilbanks is forced to accept responsibility for the trouble she has caused, ultimately selling media rights to her story for a reported $500,000. In other show-business news, millions of middle-aged people without dates wet their Luke Skywalker-model underpants with joy as they view the final installment of the beloved Star Wars series, Star Wars: Episode MXCVII — Enough Already. Fans hail it as the least tedious Star Wars in decades. Tom Cruise, seeking to counter the increasingly widespread view that he is an orbiting space module, jumps up and down on Oprah Winfrey’s couch. Elsewhere abroad, European Union leaders are stunned when the proposed EU constitution is overwhelmingly rejected by French voters, who apparently do not care for the Deodorant Clause. In media news, the editor of Newsweek magazine retracts a report that guards at the Guantanamo Bay prison flushed a Quran down a toilet in front of a Muslim detainee. ‘‘It turns out," the editor states, ‘‘that it was actually the detainee who was flushed down the toilet. Boy, is our face red!" But the biggest media shocker occurs when ‘‘Deep Throat," the Watergate-scandal source whose identity has been a tantalizing secret for more than 30 years, is finally revealed — in a stunning and unforgettable development that sends shock waves of shock throughout the world — to be ... let me just check Google here ... OK, it was some guy nobody ever heard of. But it was totally unexpected. JUNE A California jury acquits Michael Jackson on all charges of everything, including any crimes he may or may not commit in the future. Jackson announces that he no longer feels welcome in the United States and will move to another dimension. In disturbing medical news, a new study of 1,000 Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there actually were, upon closer scrutiny, only 600 Americans involved in the study. Meanwhile, the U.S. film industry, in the midst of the worst box-office slump in 20 years, looks for possible explanations as to why Americans are not flocking to movie theaters. In a totally unrelated development, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D opens nationwide, to be followed in coming months by The Dukes of Hazzard and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. Israeli and Palestinian leaders reach an agreement under which Israel will withdraw its settlers from the Gaza Strip, arousing peace hopes in amnesia victims everywhere. In response to this historic development, Fox News Person Greta Van Susteren heads for Aruba to report personally on the Natalee Holloway disappearance. Hurricane season officially begins, with a spokesman for the National Hurricane Center warning that, ‘‘This could be one of the most active sEEEEEEEEE . . ." His body is never found. The U.S. Supreme Court, in a Solomonic ruling on a display of the Ten Commandments at the Texas Capitol, allows the display to remain but orders the state to correct all 137 spelling errors. JULY Justice Sandra Day O’Connor announces her retirement, setting off a heated debate between right-wing groups, who think the president should appoint a conservative to replace her, and left-wing groups, who think the president should drop dead. Eventually Bush nominates a man going by the moniker of ‘‘John Roberts," who, in the tradition of recent Supreme Court nominees, refuses to reveal anything about himself and wears a Zorro-style mask to protect his secret identity. But the juiciest story by far in Washington is the riveting scandal involving New York Times reporter Judy Miller, who is jailed for refusing to answer questions before a grand jury called by special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, who is trying to find out whether the name of CIA agent Valerie Plame was leaked to columnist Robert Novak by an administration source such as presidential confidants Karl Rove or Ari Fleischer, or Lewis ‘‘Scooter" Libby, chief of staff to vice president Dick ‘‘Dick" Cheney, in an effort to discredit Plame’s husband, former Ambassador Joseph Wilson, in connection with the use of allegedly unreliable documents concerning . . . Hey! Wake up! This is important! Abroad, the news from London is grim as four terrorist bombs wreak deadly havoc on the city’s transit systems, prompting Greta Van Susteren to do a series of urgent personal reports from Aruba on how these attacks could affect the investigation into the Natalee Holloway disappearance. In sports, Lance Armstrong rides down the Champs-Elysees, raising his arms in a triumphant gesture, which causes the French army to surrender instantly. No, sorry; that was a cheap shot. One unit held out for nearly an hour. In book news, millions of youngsters snap up the latest in the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter Must Be Like 32 Years Old by Now. The book has a surprise plot twist that upsets some fans: Beloved Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore is killed by Severus Snape, who, moments later, is acquitted by a California jury. AUGUST Baltimore Orioles star Rafael Palmeiro, who vigorously denied steroid use when he testified before Congress in March, is forced to change his story when, in the seventh inning of a game against Cleveland, both of his forearms explode. In Washington, President Bush bypasses Congress with a recess appointment of his controversial nominee John Bolton to be U.S. ambassador to the United Nations. Bolton immediately signals a new tone in American diplomacy by punching out the ambassador from Yemen in a dispute involving the U.N. cafeteria salad bar. In other foreign-policy news, the Rev. Pat Robertson states on his Christian Broadcasting Network show that the United States should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Responding to harsh criticism, Robertson retracts this statement several days later with the explanation ‘‘Evidently I am a raving lunatic." On the economic front, there is bad news and good news. The bad news is, gasoline prices are reaching $3 a gallon. The good news is, with the manufacturer’s rebate, you can buy a new Hummer for $167. But by far the biggest story in August is Hurricane Katrina, a massive, deadly storm that thrashes Florida, then heads into the Gulf of Mexico. For decades, experts have been warning that such a storm, if it were to hit New Orleans, would devastate the city; now it becomes clear that this is exactly what is about to happen. For days, meteorologists are on television warning dozens of times per hour that Katrina will, in fact, hit New Orleans with devastating results. Armed with this advance knowledge, government officials at the local, state and federal levels are in a position to be totally, utterly shocked when Katrina — of all things — devastates New Orleans. FEMA director Michael Brown, after conducting an aerial survey, reports that ‘‘The situation is improving," only to be informed that the area he surveyed was actually Phoenix. SEPTEMBER The full magnitude of the New Orleans devastation sinks in and local, state and federal officials manage to get their act together and begin the difficult, painstaking work of blaming each other for screwing up. Urged on by President Bush, Congress votes to spend what could wind up being more than $200 billion to repair the Gulf Coast and fix up New Orleans so that it will be just as good as new when the next devastating hurricane devastates it. In non-hurricane news, the Senate confirms the Supreme Court nominee known as ‘‘John Roberts" after the Judiciary Committee spends several fruitless days trying to trick him into expressing an opinion by asking trap questions such as ‘‘Can you tell us the capital of Vermont and your views on abortion?" In international news, North Korea, after months of negotiations with the United States and other concerned nations, agrees to stop producing nuclear weapons, in exchange for one of those new iPods. The U.N. Security Council censures John Bolton for giving noogies to the ambassador from Sweden. OCTOBER President Bush, needing to make another appointment to the Supreme Court, conducts a thorough and painstaking investigation of every single female lawyer within an 8-foot radius of his desk. He concludes that the best person for the job is White House counsel Harriet Miers. Ultimately, Miers withdraws her name. The president, after conducting another exhaustive search, decides to appoint ‘‘John Roberts" again because it worked out so well the first time. Informed by his aides that there could be some legal problem with this tactic, the president finally decides to nominate Samuel Alito. Democrats immediately announce that they strongly oppose Alito and intend to do some research soon to find out why. As fears of a worldwide avian-flu epidemic mount, the surgeon general warns Americans against having unprotected sex with birds. In sports, the National Hockey League, amid much hoopla, resumes play, fueling rumors that the league must have, at some point, stopped playing. Immediately dozens of fights break out, all of them won by Lance Armstrong. NOVEMBER Americans find themselves heatedly debating a difficult question: Is it truly in the nation’s best interests for its citizens to be fighting, and suffering heavy casualties, to achieve the elusive — some say impossible — goal of buying a laptop computer marked down to $300 at Wal-Mart the day after Thanksgiving? For many Americans, the answer is a resounding yes, as they observe the official start of the Christmas shopping season at 5 a.m. Nov. 25 with the traditional Trampling of the Elderly Slow-Moving Shoppers, while the mall public-address system interrupts O Come, All Ye Faithful with urgent requests for paramedics. The season’s hottest gift is the Microsoft Xbox 360 gaming system, which is in big demand because (a) it’s really cool and (b) Microsoft apparently made, like, three of them. Abroad, unemployed ghetto youths in France go on a weekslong rampage, burning thousands of cars to express their view that being an unemployed French ghetto youth sucks. Outraged, French President Jacques Chirac announces that, as a precautionary move, he is relocating the army to Belgium. Absolutely true November item: Michael ‘‘Heckuva Job" Brown, who resigned after being harshly criticized for his performance as FEMA director following Katrina, announces that he is starting a consulting business that will advise clients on preparing for disasters. DECEMBER General Motors, the world’s largest automaker, announces that, despite a massive program of rebates, zero-interest financing, employee discounts, lifetime mechanical warranties and dealer incentives, it has not actually sold a car since March 1998. ‘‘We’re in real trouble," states troubled chief executive Rick Wagoner, adding, ‘‘Even I drive a Kia." The hurricane season, which has produced so many storms that the National Weather Service is now naming them after fraternities, fails to end as scheduled, as yet another hurricane, Epsilon, forms in the Atlantic. The good news is that Epsilon poses no threat whatsoever to land. The bad news is, it still manages to knock out power to most of south Florida. Abroad, Western nations become increasingly suspicious that Iran is developing nuclear weapons when a giant mushroom cloud rises over the Iranian desert. The Iranian government quickly issues a statement explaining that the cloud was caused by ‘‘mushrooms." As a precautionary measure, France surrenders anyway. As the troubled year draws to a troubling close, yet another hurricane, Kappa Sigma Gamma, forms in the South Atlantic, threatening to blast the U.S. mainland with a load of energy that, according to the National Hurricane Center, is the equivalent of 17 trillion sixpacks of Bud Light. So, OK, we’re doomed. But look at the upside: If humanity becomes extinct, there’s a chance that Paris Hilton will, too. Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald . source:

haha, how ironic

罪恶尼古丁诱惑

oh,year！

hellen

so funny